A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
