I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she looked like the before picture.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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