i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
