We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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