I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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