You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
