Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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