I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
