well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
