i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
