I wish I could teleport
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
