you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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