I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
