So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize