Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
