My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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