My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
