I faked an abortion last night.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
