eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
