When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
