Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
