Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
