last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
