I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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