The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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