I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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