That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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