a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
