she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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