Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
