Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
this is an emotional support booty call
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
