we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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