I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
