Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
