well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We were destined to go to rehab together
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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