Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
