Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
