Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
