nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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