How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
