just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
