I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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