be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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