Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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