1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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