Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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