I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
