Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
