Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
