i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
