She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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