First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The best revenge is premature balding
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
