We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize