Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
