I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
