She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
