yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
