I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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