8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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