1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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