i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
