worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize