my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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