I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
ttyl tear gas
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
